It’s been a minute since anyone’s posted on the blog, and the reason for that is two-fold: 1) Justin kicked everyone off even though he was the one going to Scotland to get tagged in Facebook albums with Kael while I was sitting here in America looking at the photos of Justin and Kael while wishing I could live blog the Red Sox playoff games and 2) everyone is lazy or some shit. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and shit and I’m going to try and write more. Anyway, Justin named his All-Cool Team picks rather early this season, and you can find them like right below this post.
The point is that we’ve reached the NBA “midseason”—even though the Celtics have played like 70 games already, including 12 back-to-backs in December alone—and a lot has happened. Baron Davis, fashionable and beard-having though he may be, has proven to be a huge douche with the Clippers and hasn’t tried since he found out that Mike Dunleavy is actually the coach of the team. Brandon Roy is a straight G and his buzzer beater against Houston was one of the best plays of the season, so I’ma let that one slide. Paul has been his usual self and may be the only cool pure small forward in the league. Al Jefferson is the MVP of the month of January but I still contend that he’s way too ugly to be on the ACT (he could use some work). And finally, Sun Tzu not only let us all down by ditching the goggles early on, but he also whines about having to play defense, even though he’s 6’11” and freakishly athletic so it should come easily to him. Whatever.
This is my starting five; they would probably lose to Justin’s in an actual basketball game, but that isn’t important.
Point Guard: Eddie House (Boston Celtics)
This was by far the hardest position to pick, because almost all of the cool players in the NBA right now are point guards: Derrick Rose, Chris Paul (who has gone bananas since David West went down and could actually record a quadruple-double this season), Devin Harris, and All-Star reserve/midget Jameer Nelson. But Eddie’s got them all beat. I have never seen another basketball player other than myself so shamelessly and consistently look for his own shot. Eddie might be the most arrogant motherfucker on the planet, but that also makes him one of the coolest motherfuckers on the planet. He’s been on fire lately, so Doc has been showing him hella love and giving him mad minutes. Eddie dropped 23 in Sunday’s 573-22 victory over Dallas (7/11 from 3), and was hoisting crazy 3’s with a minute left and the Celts up huge. Then he followed that up by dropping 28 on the Kings in only 20 minutes(!!!!!!!). He is perhaps the most one-dimensional player in the league, but also one of the most fun to watch, because he plays like a nine year old in a rec league. It’s often forgotten that EH dropped 61 on Cal during his senior season at Arizona State, where he’s the all-time scoring leader. So that's kind of cool.
Eddie is also the father of Little Eddie House, the Celtics’ good luck charm during last season’s playoff run. As far as I can tell, Little Eddie doesn’t go to school, because he spends all of this time sitting next to the Celtics players on the bench and having sex with the girls that his dad rejects.
Shooting Guard: Dwyane Wade (Miami Heat)Holy shit. Dwywynaaenne has been popping off this season. He leads the league in scoring, and he’s going for 29, 7 and 5 every night while carrying shitty Michael Beasley and pot dealer/crackhead Mario Chalmers on his back. Pretty much the entire Miami roster sucks at basketball, but somehow D-Wade has kept the team in the thick of the playoff race, and they could actually get the #4 seed (They’re tied with Detroit for 6th and a half-game back of Atlanta for 4th). He's also put together a redonk highlight reel in only half of a season. If LeBron didn’t exist then Dwywynaaenne would easily be the favorite for both league MVP and weirdest name. As it stands now he is the MVP of Biff’s All-Cool Team.
He’s also not that bad at acting.
Small Forward: Chris Adams-Wall (Bowdoin College Meddiebempsters)I wanted to put Joe Johnson in this slot, but he plays shooting guard and I didn’t want to have two Hawks on my squad. The point is that other than LeBron and Paul, there really aren’t any cool small forwards in the NBA (and I would argue that Paul is more badass than he is cool). I really didn’t want to put LeBron here because A) he is going to absolutely slaughter the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals and B) it’s way too cliché to put him here because everyone knows how cool he is (all I've ever wanted is for HOV to write a diss track for me) Also, his initials are LBJ, and Lyndon Baines Johnson was kind of a shithead.
So I have no choice but to plug in "A-Wall" here at the 3. He’s a streaky shooter in the Quentin Richardson mold, so you know how dangerous he can be. According to his Meddiebempsters bio, his major is “Spanglish,” (?) so we know he’s cultured, and his favorite activity is “Dropping back to pass,” which is perfect, because we really need Chris to share the ball with the talent around him and try to make plays, rather than look for his own awkward, sideways-spinning shot.
Unfortunately he sings in an acappella group, which sucks (not the group, the fact that he sings in it). You can read more about him here. Also Chris's show is actually funny so I'ma hype it. Watch it if you want to. I'm pretty sure they've been a big influence on "The Office."
Power Forward: Josh Smith (Atlanta Hawks)Josh’s numbers have been down this year, and he was out for 12 games in November with anal fissures, but he’s back and cooler than ever. Last night against the Knicks he scored 26 points, grabbed 12 boards, blocked 2 shots and had 4 steals. This is what makes Josh so cool: he fills up the stat sheet in the weirdest ways. He’s 6’9” but he plays much bigger, and he consistently averages 3+ blocks per game (although he’s only at 1.5 this season because of the aforementioned fissures). Josh is also a former Slam Dunk champ, which is pretty much an automatic ticket to coolness unless you’re a huge arrogant douche bag or white and awkward and therefore inherently and irreversibly uncool (Brent's dunk doesn't even look cool). The Hawks are also a young team and a lot of fun to watch; some modern scholars have begun to call them the Blazers of the East.
Center: Dwight Howard (Orlando Magic)
This is where it gets good. There are lots of cool centers in the NBA, but my man Dwight really runs away with the crown. What has he done in his life that hasn’t been cool? He was drafted #1 overall when he still had braces, he resurrected the Slam Dunk contest, he averages 20 and 14, and his shoulders could sing in the Bowdoin Meddiebempsters. Dwight is hands-down the coolest player in the NBA (not to be confused with Eddie House, who is the coolest motherfucker on the planet). He is hilarious in commercials, gives great interviews, and has turned midget Jameer and Rashard Lewis into All-Stars (the fact that Lewis got chosen over Ray Allen is stupid because Rashard sucks at basketball playing). Seriously, I defy you to find something uncool about Dwight. He is the man. He also tries hard on defense—unlike Amare—which is why the Magic is/are one of the best teams in the NBA now, because it’s hard to score when you have to get through Dwight and his massive Meddiebempsters in the lane.
Coach: Andre 3000He actually is the coolest motherfucker on the planet.
That's all for today. Your fly is open McFly.
Love,
Biff
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