NBA Coolness Ratings

Alright alright, this is how I'm gonna start off '09 (at least in terms of my additions to this already stellar blog), but I won't kick in any doors or be any problems for anyone.

I sort of want to talk about my thoughts about the NBA draft (four days ago now), but honestly I don't really have that many. I think that other than Blake Griffin's athleticism and sandbag carrying, Steph Curry's jump shot and rapping ability, and James Harden's beard (please don't shave it J.H.!), it's kind of a boring draft class. But that said, this draft does, in my mind, change the coolness dynamics of a number of NBA teams. So with that in mind, here are my personal thoughts on which NBA teams are totally awesome dude and which should be replaced by the '08 UNC Tarheels.

The Coolest of the Cool:

- Orlando Magic: Even if they do lose Hedo, the combination of Dwight Howard, V.C. and Rashard Lewis, added to the coolness with which Stan Van Gundy talked to his team in the Eastern Conference finals while being Mic'd up, makes them awesome. If they had cooler jerseys, like the '95 Magic jerseys, they would rival any team in history in coolness rating.

- Oklahoma City Thunder: No doubts here. James Harden's beard speaks volumes for this team's up-and-coming success. Even if they don't win more than 30-35 games this season, they will impress fans and opposing players with their flat out coolness.

- Philadelphia 76ers: Going back to the retro jerseys. Love it.

- Cleveland Cavaliers: They deserve to be on this list just because of LBJ, especially if he leaves after this year and they become absolutely horrible. Plus they picked up Shaq, who, even though his Kobe raps don't make sense anymore, is still hilarious.

- Memphis Grizzlies: With rookies Hasheem, DeMarre Carroll, and Sam Young, they have by far the coolest and best-shot-faking rookie class.

The Pretty Cool:

- L.A. Lakers: I don't like them, but they did just win a championship, so fine.

- Houston Rockets: Aaron Brooks Baby! Plus, they almost beat the Lakers without their two best players, and Ron Ron is pretty fucking awesome too. Additionally, they picked up Chase Budinger who is ugly but has a 44 inch vertical, and what do you know, he got drafted #44. Coincidence?

- New Jersey Nets: Brook Lopez has the coolest voice in the NBA, and Jay-Z is their owner. Yeah, he used to ball like that, and now he owns a ball team, holla back, so they're pretty cool.

- Portland Trailblazers: With Brandon Roy becoming one of the best players in the NBA, a very young line-up that was successful this past season, and then picking up Jeff Pendergraph from ASU, a guy who is not that good but somehow dunks on everyone he plays against, they're gonna be very good in years to come, so I'm jumping on their bandwagon now. Plus they were smart enough to draft AND TRADE Jon Brockman to stupid Sacramento who apparently likes to have big white centers from Washington on their team, and Patty Mills who lit up the US Olympic team for 20 points off the bench last summer.

- Denver Nuggets: Trading for Billups was brilliant, and with J.R. Smith, Carmelo, and Birdman, plus the addition of Ty Lawson (he won't do much, but he's really cool), they're definitely one of the cooler teams in the league. And Renaldo Balkman's hair makes me smile.

The So-So:

- Golden State Warriors: I am from the Bay Area, but I only say this because of Steph Curry's overall coolness. That puts the Dub's back on the map in my opinion.

- Atlanta Hawks: Same team as last year: they're still athletic and cool, but they will lose in the first round no matter what.

- New Orleans Hornets: A few years ago they were at the top of the chart, but they've slipped. That said, the fact that Tyson Chandler can score more than 10 points a game makes Chris Paul a great point guard, and he's a beast too - well, they both are - so they are still on the coolness radar.

- Chicago Bulls: I don't know why, really, they're kind of just there, but they're pretty good I guess. They might be higher if they traded Joaqim Noah.

- Boston Celtics: They should probably be higher, and obviously they're really good, but there's too much controversy in Boston about trades and whatnot for them to be cool. Plus, this is kind of about the draft, and who the hell is Lester Hudson?

The Not-So Cool:

- L.A. Clippers: Even with Blake Griffin, they won't win more than 20 games, and between Chris Kaman, Marcus Camby, and Zach Randolph, they have about 1 healthy and talented center, combined.

- Minnesota Timberwolves: Cool draft class, and Jonny Flynn is cool and dunks on people, but even so, they have a way to go.

- Phoenix Suns: A'm'a'r'e' is going to leave, and they won't make the playoffs again. Also, they drafted Taylor Griffin for some unknown reason.

- Detroit Pistons: Old. Rasheed is their one saving grace.

- San Antonio Spurs: Older.

- Miami Heat: Any team that has Shawn Marion can't be that cool to me, even with Dwayne Wade.

- Dallas Mavericks: Since they fell apart and lost to the Warriors a few years ago, then they lost Devin Harris, they have been garbage and un-cool.

- Utah Jazz: Deron Williams is awesome, and Eric Maynor ALMOST became the only person I can think of to hit two game winners in consecutive NCAA tourneys, so those two are cool, but I hate any team with Matt Harpring.

- Charlotte Bobcats: They actually almost made it one level higher, but I hate their jerseys, and I really just don't think they're very cool overall. No real reason I guess, but that's how it goes.

The Extremely Un-Cool:

- Indiana Pacers: Tyler Hansbrough at #13??? Why??

- New York Knicks: They're just terrible, and Jordan Hill isn't exactly what they needed.

- Sacramento Kings: Even with Tyreke Evans, they're just too bad to be anywhere but the bottom of this list. And, as I said before, they traded for Jon Brockman.

- Washington Wizards, Toronto Raptors: Who cares?

- Milwaukee Bucks: Now that they've drafted over-hyped, over-cocky Brandon Jennings, I can name exactly one player on their roster.

Can we get a systems go?

I finally had new music to listen to today. After finding the new Wale mixtape (see the next post), I saw that B.o.B aka Bobby Ray had released a new mixtape, as well. I think it's funny that he titled the mixtape B.o.B vs. Bobby Ray since he is obviously copying T.I.'s dual personality formula (T.I. vs. T.I.P.), seeing as how they are both from Atlanta AND B.o.B is signed to T.I.'s label (Grand Hustle). Anyways, B.o.B is certainly stylistically different from Wale. B.o.B's stuff is less hip-hop and more of some blend of blues, pop, and rap. As B.o.B, he does more rapping and then as Bobby Ray it's a lot more singing and pop-type music. Lyrically, most of it leaves a lot to be desired relative to Wale. But it is definitely entertaining. I thought the mixtape was ok, you can get it here. There was one song though that I have been listening to all day: Satellite. I don't know what it is about this song because the words are about nothing and the beat is relatively simple. It's just super catchy, I guess. Anyways, give it a listen:

Maybe I just become obsessed with all songs about outer space, considering that Supernova was playing in my room nonstop during Finals Week.

Anyways, I'm off to France for 12 days. Hope everyone is having a good summer. Maybe while I'm gone The-Flage and D-Cup will pick up some of the slack and lose their blogging virginity.

P.S. USA Soccer? Shaq to Cleveland? How has Justin not written about any of this yet?

Wale Mixtape

This song is cool:

Get his new mixtape here

My Least Favorite Team

I’ve had some time to think about the Lakers victory over the Magic to win the NBA Championship. I was upset by it. It didn’t bring joy to me like last years NBA Finals did. I’ve thought about ways to cope with their victory and initially did so by hating on Kobe - the way he celebrated, bringing his family to the forefront to show how whatever he is, etc. Now that I think about the Lakers in general and hear on ESPN about how they have dominated the decade, I decided to investigate their dominance in the new millennium.
The Lakers started off the decade by winning the 2000 NBA Finals over the Indiana Pacers in six games. The Spurs won the title the previous year led by Tim Duncan & David Robinson. Tim Duncan was absent during the 2000 Playoffs due to a knee injury and, as a result, the Spurs failed to defend, losing in the first round. The Spurs lost to the Suns who then played the Lakers in the second round. The Lakers had no trouble with them and got to avoid Duncan and the Spurs. The Lakers won the Western Conference Finals over the Portland Trail Blazers, the 3-seed, in seven games. Game 7 was when the Kobe to Shaq alley-oop happened, I believe. Portland was clearly their toughest test and really their only test in the 2000 Playoffs. The Easter Conference was extremely weak which it remained until about 2007 with the exception of the unlikely Pistons teams. The Pacers in 2000 were lead by Reggie Miller, Rik Smits and Mark Jackson. Not really the most talented bunch or most intimidating. Basically they beat a scrawny Reggie Miller who shot crazy threes and is overrated according to Bill Simmons. Not one Pacer made the 1999-2000 NBA 1st, 2nd or 3rd teams.
The Lakers dominated the 2001 Playoffs losing only once and that was in the Finals to the Philadelphia 76ers. The Lakers were actually the 2-seed and swept the Spurs in the Western Conference Finals, clearly the Lakers were the best team that year. The Eastern Conference had Philadelphia and the Milwaukee Bucks as their top two teams and the Bucks probably should have won the Eastern Conference Finals, but lost in seven. The Lakers dominated an Allen Iverson led 76ers team whose second best player was Aaron McKie. Dikembe stood no chance against Shaq. Todd MacCulloch was also on that 76ers team.
The 2002 Playoffs saw the Lakers win a questionable Western Conference Finals over the Sacramento Queens in seven games. Game 6 played out really weird and has since been tied to the Tim Donaghy scandal. From Wikipedia: “The Lakers shot 40 free throws overall, 27 in the fourth quarter, and the Kings' big men were plagued with foul trouble (Divac, Webber, Scot Pollard, and Lawrence Funderburke were called for 20 fouls, Divac and Pollard both fouling out.)” Lawrence Funderburke!!!! The series was highly entertaining with Vlade Divac memorably tipping a rebound right to Robert Horry in Game 4. With that said, the Lakers then swept the New Jersey Nets in the Finals to cap-off the Three-Peat. The Nets had trouble with a Celtics team led by Antoine Walker in the Eastern Conference Finals. Keith Van Horn, Kenyon Martin and Jason Kidd led the Nets. Jason Kidd was in his prime like AI was, but every team the Lakers played in the Finals had only one good player. The Nets would go on to play in the Finals the next year too, and got swept by the Spurs. The Eastern Conference was the worst shit ever during the first half of the 2000’s.
To recap, the Lakers beat the Pacers, 76ers, and Nets to win their three titles.
The Lakers surprisingly lost the 2004 Finals to the first good team the Eastern Conference had in many moons, the Detroit Pistons. The Lakers lost last years Finals to the Boston Celtics, the second Eastern Conference team that actually had a shot in the Finals against the Lakers this decade. The Lakers won three straight titles, yet faced only two legitimate opponents, the ’00 Blazers and the ’02 Kings, and then ate up three random Eastern Conference teams. When challenged in the Finals, they crumbled. The Magic, another random team, had no shot against this years Lakers. The Lakers benefited from not having to face LeBron and benefited from the Kevin Garnett injury. The Lakers have won four titles this decade and that cannot be taken away from them, but I just want you to LOOK AT WHO THEY HAVE BEATEN!!!

Every Girl

Young Money - Every Girl [Official Music Video]

This song has been out for a little bit, I even heard it on the radio today. I like it. It is probably going to be remembered as the one of the biggest songs of the sum. I just want to make sure that people know that Mack Maine says this:

In about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don't discriminate, no not at all
Kit kat a midget if that ass soft I break her off
I exchange V cards with the retards

Wonder Why

New Wale song featuring Big Sean and my favorite artist in the whole world Mike Posner whose mixtape I listen to every single day and everyone I show it to likes it. Download Wonder Why here bro. It is really good and will be played at Sea Fair and would have played in Smiley 109 if that still existed. I need more Mike Posner and I am really excited for his remix of Jeremih's "Birthday Sex" called "First Day Sex"!

Excuse My Mood

C'mon The-Hair! You gotta find this shit, bro. Download it here.

New Layout

Hope you like it. If you have an opinion on it click next to the "Reaction" section below these sentences. Choose from "Cool" the highest honor, "Interesting" a pretty high honor, or "Stoop" not really a honor one wants to receive.

Lupe

First of all, Food & Liquor and The Cool were two of my favorite albums of the past 4ish years. After releasing The Cool, Lupe said he was going to release one more album and retire because he was getting bored or something. Noo!!!!! Concerning that supposed final album, his Wikipedia says:

Fiasco announced at a Chicago concert late in 2008 that his next and most likely final album will be a three disc album and that the first disc "Everywhere" would come out in June 2009. The trio was going to be named LupE.N.D. On January 30, 2009, Lupe Fiasco originally announced that LupE.N.D. will be postponed indefinitely. Instead, he would release three albums; The Great American Rap Album in June 2009, two following albums in December 2009 and June 2010, with LupE.N.D. following afterward. However, it was announced by Fiasco that his next album would instead be titled, "We Are Lasers"; yet later his official rep announced and confirmed that it would instead be titled simply "Lasers". The album is currently scheduled for a release in June 2009, no specific date is known though.

This is not all that helpful, since clearly he is not coming out with anything this month or else the collective music world would be hyping the shit out of it. Obviously, he is having trouble deciding what he wants to do next. Hopefully, he just keeps doing what he has been doing for much longer than one album. Anyways, he released a new song, not sure what it is from but it's pretty solid.


Download it here.

Congratulations to Trevor Ariza for making himself a ridiculous amount of money over the last month.

No Words

The First Two People To Touch The Larry O'Brien Trophy Are Pictured Below

Buzzer sounds and Kobe is jumping around by himself throwing punches in the sky nearly knocking out his teammates (Trevor & Fish) as they run by to celebrate with others. I'm bitter and this is how I make myself feel a little better. But it is so stupid that anyone likes Kobe Bryant or tries to defend him as anything but a self-centered arrogant jerk face. He is a great player and I respect you if you acknowledge him as such and defend some of his actions as his drive to want to win so bad that he doesn't care about anyone else; but, if you buy into this crap that he says to the media and the way some of the media eats him up, I hate you for doing that. He celebrated by himself, then gave a big hug to Fish, then a bear hug to some rando trainer or something, then went over to his wife and kids who were talking about the boogers in one of his daughters nose. It was comical. Then it got sickening as he brought up the fam to the stage as the Bryant family took up the entire left side of the stage as his teammates huddled in the back row with Luke falling off one side and Phil the other. It was pathetic. His daughters touched the Larry O'Brien Trophy before Trevor Ariza & Pau Gasol & Derek Fisher and all of his teammates. What the fuck?!?!? Eddie House's son was prominent last year, but his son wasn't humping the trophy or anything. It really made me feel sick to see how much all of this was about Kobe and his reputation and him I guess trying to say something by giving so much attention to his family or maybe it shows that no one cares about him except for his family. Interesting. The Lakers won, great, awesome for them, congrats on beating the Magic. Just don't like Kobe.
Dwight Howard got fined $25K for not giving Kobe a hand shake after the game. JK, lolz!

So Ecstatic!

So, Justin has asked me to contribute once again to his blog after an approximately 10 month exile. Even though he has spent at least 8% of our friendship making fun of my iTunes, my task is to share good music with all 3 of his readers. The only problem is, there really has not been very good music being released lately, and Louis always posts the stuff that is worth listening to before the All-Cool Team even has a chance.
I was going to stick with the current theme of this blog and post Lil Wayne's lyrical fellatio of my least favorite superstar on my least favorite - albeit soon to be NBA champion - team. Couldn't do it. First of all, everyone has heard this by now. Second of all, no one (other than Lakers fans, who obviously have no business or reason to read this blog) really wants to hear that nonsense. The funny thing is, I thought that the song would have been a blessing in disguise for the Magic. I figured that Weezy was effectively breaking the 24 hour rule by sucking the "Rat" - as my Dad calls him when he makes that ridiculously stupid, comical face - off so close to game time. I guess that has not necessarily been the case, although Rat's 4th quarters have been pretty sub-par.

Anyways, back to music. There really is not a lot of excitement about any new worthwhile "summer" rap songs. Obviously, artists such as KiD CuDi, Drake, Wale, Mike Posner, etc. have done their thing so far this year, but there's been a lull of sorts for multiple weeks now. Having said that, I have spent a substantial amount of time lately listening to music that is far from mainstream. Specifically, I purchased the new Mos Def album, The Ecstatic, and came away impressed. Obviously, Mos is not a newcomer, nor is he some super underground artist. But, it's been a decent chunk of time since he made any ripples in the hip hop world. With that said, this CD is worth listening to all the way through. A lot of the songs are extremely short (between 1 and 3 minutes), but his flow is on point and the production is unique in that it samples a wide range of musical styles. It's refreshing to listen to rap where the lyrics carry some sort of meaning. My favorite song on the CD was:

Other high points included: History, Quiet Dog, Priority, and Life In Marvelous Times. I would mos def recommend giving this a listen.

Go FC Sounders!

Scott Foster Is Not Good At His Job

Scott Foster is the referee to the left of J.J. Officiating has been a hot topic, but everytime there was a bad call last night it seemed like Scott Foster was the one making the call. This is saying a lot when he was working with Bennett Salvatore. I didn't even notice Salvatore or the other dude, which is a good thing for them. Everytime a Laker or Magic player had beef with a call they found themselves arguing with Scott Foster. Foster told Pietrus not to point at him and Lamar & Pau yelled "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" at least three times each in reaction to terrible Foster calls. He was very inconsistent and was often blowing the whistle on calls that were not his to be made. He sucked. The Lakers probably got a little bit more screwed by Foster than the Magic did as the Magic opened up the game when the Lakers were forced to play Didier "Drogba" Ilunga-Mbenga & Powell & their whole entire roster except Morrison & Sun Yue :-( :-( :-(
Do you think Foster gets home and greets his wife and his wife says, "Honey, you did a great job tonight!"??? No, absolutely not, because he is not good at officiating National Basketball Association games.

Jimmy Kimmel Strikes Again

The "you're my favorite water ski accident" line made me laugh really loudly even though no one else was around.
Kevin "Outlet Pass!" Love, Tyson Chandler & Blake Griffin made a funny skit too, I hope I can find it.
Guillermo from the show interviewed Kobe, Kobe wasn't funny, Guillermo was. Surprised?
Here is Part 2 of the Dwyane Wade autograph session.

The Most Frustrating Team In The World

I can't imagine being a real Magic fan, instead of just a very anti-Laker fan. They are the streakiest and stupidest team ever that inexcusably loses focus in the biggest spots. They cannot hold a lead evidenced by the third quarter and will shoot 75% one game and poop in their pants the next. The Magic did everything wrong and lost like they should have. They should have won though! They were a free throw away, a smart pass instead of a dumb Pietrus shot away, or a logical defense play or foul by Jameer Nelson from evening the series. Now they are done. Bye bye. Orlando is the most random city in the United States and there is no way anyone is actually from Orlando. There is nothing to do there as the downtown area has less going on than Watertown Square. Orlando, the city, and now the Magic, certainly do not deserve a NBA title.
The biggest "fuck you Magic" moment I had was the last play of regulation. The Magic set up a terrible inbounds play and called timeout. They set up a new bad one and should have called time out. Pietrus stood with the ball and looked like he was going to do nothing. Doing nothing probably would have been better. Somehow he moved, and then somehow drew three defenders, which left a WIDE OPEN Rashard Lewis in the corner. I don't care if Rashard did absolutely zip zero stingy with Robert De Niro during the game, he is going to hit the wide open jumper with the game on the line. Instead, Mickael Pietrus took a shitty shot and missed it. In the picture above Rashard is to the left of the referee, you can't see him, but he is open.
Jameer is an id. You know what play I'm talking about. When the Magic absolutely fuck up so bad on defense they know they have and for some reason they turn to Stan Van and try to immediately defend their terrible defense harder than the original play. I hope that made sense. Hedo did that in Game 3 when he left Trevor Ariza wide open for a big three. The Magic are scared of what Stan Van is going to yell at them.
The Magic are frustrating because they are idiots. They don't make free throws and choke really hard. Hedo said something about the teams "stupidness" in his press conference, but I don't know what he exactly said.
Bright spots: 1. Pau looked like he had pink eye or like he was crying for about a quarter after getting hit in the face. 2. "That drunk milf in the background fall when trying to sit down." Gr8 quote from Spence who soon will be launching his own blog, be on the look out for that. The drunken milf was my favorite part of the game as she successfully got on TV, and then promptly fell over when trying to sit back down and her friends did not notice. 3. France and Spain hating each other after the Pietrus and Gasol tussle. 4. J.J. Redick's slip and travel that wasn't called that turned into a hedo lay-up.
Not so bright spots: 1. Courtney Lee didn't play enough for me to even notice if he was wearing a NBA Logo headband. 2. Jameer Nelson (who admits he is playing like shit) played the entire fourth quarter. 3. J.J. Redick was probably the best player for the Magic and I sort of started to like him and his game. He is cooler when he isn't a pompous prick. 4. Watching Pau chest bump every player on the Lakers SUCKED SO MUCH.

That's How I Beat Pau

Pau Gasol is ugly. We know this. He is really good though and I know that if Kobe does win a championship he would have never done it without Pau much like Shaq. I would also love nothing more if Pau won the Finals MVP award, if the lakers were to unfortunately win. Anyways, Pau has terrible hair and a terrible beard, especially the neard. That is why I am calling for someone in the world to tell him to clean it up or to go to a decent barber. He would look infinitely better. He trimmed his beard today, but he still looks bad and I don't get why someone on the team doesn't just get clippers and buzz off that neard shit while he is taking a cat nap. The problem is Pau will look a little better, but as we know he will still be in trouble as evidenced by a younger Pau with no beard and shorter hair and perfect shirt:

<3 This

The Lakers play better when this guy is not on the floor. Phil is pretty awesome and I still believe he secretly hates Kobe.

Hi Pigeon

Who knew Corey Maggette could be funny when his muscles & contract are so scary?!?!? The Jimmy Kimmel pre-game show quietly produces YouTube gems involving NBA Players. It is "can't miss" television, but then you can skip the actual pre-game show because Magic Johnson is so terrible.
Anyways, read the post below this after watching the clip.

The Key to the Series!!!!

The Magic are 1-0 in the NBA Finals when Courtney Lee wears an NBA Logo headband instead of an NBA Finals Trophy headband!! How is no one talking about this yet? Everyone will soon pick up on it after this awesome post just like everyone started to talk about Kobe's not really intimidating scowl after I first famously ripped it. It swings the series back in the Magic favor when Lee rocks the conventional headband. Not only is it not stupid, but it allows Lee & the entire Magic team to play much better and shoot unbelievably well. The Magic shot what 65%? Any coincidence that Lee was wearing the NBA Logo headband when that happened? Game 1: stupid headband. What happens? Lee gets abused by "The Closer" (as I will continue to refer to him, even though he misses more free throws than Dwight Howard and gets stripped by him) and the Magic got torched. Game 2: stupid headband. What happens? Magic play a little better as they aren't as shocked by the ugliness of Lee's headband, but Lee is cursed by wearing it and misses a lay-up with 10 seconds left (that Jeff Van Gundy ridiculously says he should have dunked) and misses a pseudo-lay-up with 1 second left although it was really difficult. Game 3: traditional sick headband. What happens? Lee D's the shit out of Kobe and makes Pietrus look like an idiot for giving up 17 points to him in the first quarter. Lee not only draws offensive fouls on Kobe and forces tough shots, but then later said "Hey Derek, tell me how my dunk tastes!!!!" The Magic win by 4 and shoot lights out. The power of the headband! Dwight is pissed in the above photo because he is criticizing Lee for ever wearing the stupid headband in the first two games. Dwight was mic'd up during this interaction, the feed went only to my house where my Dad & I heard it, but Dwight said "Courtney look how well we are shooting bro, I am even making my running jump hooks and dunking the ball. Goly jeez why would you ever wear that stupid headband?" Good advice from a strong leader. Dwight forgot to mention how cool Courtney's shoes are too, but it makes sense as he was preoccupied with how cool his own Adidas shoes are, the ones that might make Adidas popular for 3 months. By the way, Dwight really wants to win this series. He is focused beyond belief. He only smiles 6 times a day instead of his usual 19 and he has given up swearing until the Finals are over. Wait, he never swears ever? Oh.

Birdman & Amar'e Throw Up Horns!

This was on the Jimmy Kimmel show directly before the game last night, and for me, was probably more entertaining than the game itself. I love watching NBA players do things besides basketball and be funny and it was so awesome because The Birdman & Amar'e were both involved. Two of the coolest dudes in the NBA on "The Team Mating Game"!!!! It was funny, they showed their personalities, Birdman was gr8, Amar'e told everyone that Grant Hill likes dudes and has big ears. What more can you ask for? NBA Players are the coolest people on the planet and do things all us regular cool people aspire to do and they do it on a regular basis. They can have millions of tattoos, waste millions of dollars, party for millions of hours, and anytime I can catch a snippet of their lives off the court I will watch. How does this not become a real show? I would watch it every day if it was 30 minutes or an hour long. It is way better than Family Fued with NBA players, which was still cool, but we get to learn who hangs out with who and what weird shit they do and like and make fun of each other about. I demand this show happen and that Jimmy Kimmel keeps doing this before every NBA Finals game!!!!!

Sasha Compares Kobe's Scowl to Hannibal Lector

Thanks to a reader's comment I was able to find this gem of a video clip about my least favorite thing about Kobe. This ranks at the bottom of facial expressions or patented things you do with your face when something cool happens, way below MJ's famous tongue out and KG's lip curl. The thing about MJ is that he would stick his tongue out even before the play would be completed and when it came out you know something badass was going to happen. You don't see Kobe scowling as he tries to draw a foul on Pietrus and bank in some And 1 crap.

Initial Reactions to Game 2

Very upsetting, but it wasn't all bad as there was some highly entertaining material in the end of Game 2. This is despite 1. uber poor officiating (which primarily hurt the Magic, but the call in OT that went against Kobe off his leg was really bad too); 2. Kobe's acting, complaining and flailing worse than Paul Pierce; 3. Pau's extreme incessant excessive grunting whenever he attempts a shot; and 4. the TWO missed lay-ups by Courtney Lee at the end of regulation.
What is there to take away from Game 2? Basically, all of the good stems from the last possession for the Lakers in regulation with 9 tics remaining. Kobe got the ball with Hedo covering him, took it towards the basket and was swarmed by four defenders. Hedo beautifully blocked the ball, got it and called timeout. What's cool about this you ask? The Magic know that Hedo's length disturbs Kobe and at the end of the game and in the fourth quarter Hedo can potentially lock up Kobe or at least contain him, probably more effectively than Pietrus who fouled out for clipping his nails on the court and his nail hitting Kobe by accident. On that last possession Kobe upset not one but TWO of his teammates. Lamar was wide open in the near corner when the quadruple-team came and Lamar hit every open jumper he took that night. Ariza was wide open in his spot too. Both complained to Kobe and even yelled at him as he stormed back to the bench where he proceeded to punch the bench (like Sasha did last year in the Finals) and plopped down. Then Phil Jackson SMILED!!!! He laughed at Kobe. Why? I have no idea, but I really hope he secretly hates Kobe as much as I do and doesn't mind seeing him fail because he is such a meanyhead. It was so awesome. Phil didn't hide it at all; he blatantly smiled when Kobe punched the bench. I rewinded that joint three times bro. He wasn't smiling before it happened, then it happened, and then he was smiling. I don't know how anyone can possibly like the Lakers and defend them when Kobe & Pau are so gross and so unlikable and so terrible to watch and look at in high definition. Phil doesn't even like his star player on his team. That’s cool.
Another question, why doesn't the NBA go back to a 2-2-1-1-1 format when the only reason the 2-3-2 exists is because the Lakers complained in 1984 about having to travel from L.A. to Boston too often? There are two days off before Game 4 & 5, I am pretty sure both teams can adjust in plenty of time and it obviously makes the series more competitive and likely to go the full 7.
Lastly, Dwight’s kicks were on point tonight. I don’t know what they were exactly, but they were Adidas and I still liked them so that is saying a lot.

Game 1 Thoughts

An embarrassing performance by the Magic, who looked scared shitless to be there. They had a good first quarter, but once their lead went from up five and quickly to down five, SVG had to call two timeouts and after that they sucked worse. Everyone looked scared and didn't look like they wanted to compete to come back from a double-digit deficit in the same way they did against Boston & Cleveland. The only explanation is nerves and to blame each player on the Magic team except J.J. Redick.
Before I kill everyone on the Magic through a keyboard I want to make one point. Earvin “Magic” Johnson never ever says the Orlando Magic instead he says the Orlando Magics. How is this possible when your name is Magic? Don’t you know how to say your own name? Why must you always say “Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magicsssss look like poop tonight”?
Starting with Dwight Howard, who looked ready to go with his super cool Adidas arm sleeve that no one else rocks because no one else is sponsored by Adidas. I would get one and not wear it if I didn’t think Adidas was stupid. Anyways, Dwight had one field goal and he made that bucket with a running lefty jump hook in the first quarter I believe. Dwight didn’t have a dunk and the Lakers exposed his lack of a post game. Pau flopped a couple times, Bynum hacked him a couple times, either way Dwight looked awful. For some reason there were a couple possessions where Rafer or Jameer would dump it into Dwight, the Lakers would sag off so he’d kick it out, the point guard would put it back in, he’d kick it out, they would put it back in, he’d kick it out and they would miss a three. Great offense. Dwight looks good when he squares up his defender, but after that it is complete shit. He puts his head down and commits an offensive foul or throws up garbage towards the hoop. Someone praised Patrick Ewing on the broadcast last night then Dwight never scored another field goal. Patrick Chewing makes a good commercial, but can’t teach the most athletic almost seven footer ever how to put the ball in the basket. And his touch isn’t even that bad.
Jameer played unbelievable for eight minutes, but the problem is Rafer gets jealous or can’t handle it and when he comes back in, he completely sucks. Rafer only played well last series when he played 35 minutes and even hit some open 3’s. Jameer had 4 assists in 10 seconds and hit an open jumper. It all looked good, but really he did nothing after that, especially in the second half and when everyone on the team is missing 3’s you cant rely on Jameer or Rafer to hit 3’s either. They just made everything worse by shooting 3’s and you have to expect the Lakers to keep letting them take the open shots.
I have watched pretty much every Magic game and continue to see Tony Battie get minutes and preposterously keep shooting jump shots. When in his career has Battie ever hit a jumper and why in the Playoffs is he allowed to shoot. He bricked the shit out of his two jump shots and it made me so angry. I have seen him hit ONE jumper out of FIFTEEN or so this playoffs and the one he made rattled around, came out, hit the backboard and went in. I don’t want to see another jump shot by Battie ever again, but can live with him locking down Pau.
Gortat should be starting for some team and likely will after this offseason. He finishes well around the basket, somehow hit a jump shot last night, and plays pretty good defense. The Magicssss usually don’t lose anything when he steps on the floor and were playing both him and Dwight at the same time in the fourth because Rashard was so bad.
How does Rashard go from looking like he deserves his max contract to looking like how he used to play in Seattle in one game? He sucked. Couldn’t hit a 3 or a mid range jumper and was afraid to take it to the basket and when he did he threw a lefty lay-up against the backboard really hard.
Hedo didn’t show up either after quarter number one, and when they ran the pick & roll for him, he did nothing with it. Contrarily, Kobe abused the Magic with the pick & roll.
Pietrus was worried about which shoes he should wear and then proceeded to airball 47 shots and start the game 0-5. He was of no help guarding Kobe, and thinking about it now, he was good against LeBron because he let LeBron shoot jumpers and contained him when he tried to get to the basket and even blocked some shots. He let Kobe shoot jumpers and he can’t do that obviously, and he got destroyed on every Gasol screen and never recovered.
Courtney Lee wore a stupid NBA Finals headband then proceeded to get destroyed defensively on every possession because he is a rookie and he is not at all very tall. If you play Lee you can’t play Rafer or Jameer, you have to let Hedo run the point and slow everything down, which isn’t good either because the Magic only played well out of transition.
Maybe all of this is attributed to the Lakers defense and their length, but really all the Magic need to do is get ready for the fucking game and play hard and then their shots will fall. The Magic sucked and I hope they adjust or I will have to listen to the “Kobe Bryant” Lil Wayne song on repeat for a whole month.

I h8 You!

Although your performance last night was painfully unbelievable, I can still manage to hate you Kobe because you make faces like this! This is the stupidest, least intimidating, most awkward way to celebrate anything or try to be mean or anything. Kobe has no idea what to do, so this face he has tried to make his trademark when he does something awesome like bank in an And 1. It doesn't work because it sucks and I hate him when he does it and because he does it. I was impressed with his performance and making it impossible to guard him, but how can anyone like Kobe or root for him when this is the face he makes. I would laugh at him if I was Ariza. I want someone to replicate it when I play basketball so I can laugh at them when they are trying to be serious.

Eyes All Sticky Like Honey On Bees

Nice Hat Jonah!

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