NBA Playoff Bench (First Five)

I have managed to watch six full days of playoff basketball and have been caught up in the coolness in several of the teams. Props to the Washington Wizards, Denver Nuggets, Philadelphia 76ers, and New Orleans Hornets for achieving such coolness. There have been some great games, most of them on Saturday, but Thursday’s Jazz-Rockets game was epic and landed Carl Landry a position on the All-Cool Team. Without further ado, here are the first five players off the bench.

Sixth Man: DeShawn Stevenson | Shooting Guard, Washington Wizards

Where to start with the coolness of DeShawn? If you thought talking shit to LeBron was too much, he upped his coolness by rocking a fro-hawk in Game 3 Thursday night. The fro-hawk is amazing and looks amazing, anyone who rocks it automatically is on the roster (Josh Smith I didn’t forget you). Nick Young first boldly sported the fro-hawk at USC and currently is a Wizard now. DeShawn’s fro-hawk fits perfectly with his humongous beard he has been sporting all season long, total homie. Let’s briefly talk about how amazing DeShawn’s trash talk of the arguably best player in the NBA was. To call out LeBron before game one may have been dumb, but was extremely entertaining and helped DeShawn’s popularity, which is what ultimately matters. He even backed it up by bringing Soulja Boy to game three. Finally, DeShawn and the Wizards actually played well and smashed the Cavs, and I hope to see them square off against the Celtics next round, can’t wait.

Carl Landry | Power Forward, Houston Rockets

Carl’s performance Thursday night against the Jazz not only saved the series, but assured him a spot on the All-Cool Team. This news is undoubtedly more important to Carl than getting their first playoff victory. Not only did Carl block the potential game-winning bank shot by Deron Williams and save the ball to Luis Scola, but he lost a tooth during the game! Who would have thought Carl would have, out of Purdue, been a producer in the NBA. Seatlle didn’t, but they aren’t doing too much right lately, jk jk jk jk jk. Carl also has a fresh line-up with a nice little beard too that Rafer Alston likes to kiss, nh.

Kurt Thomas | Center, San Antonio Spurs

Kurt provides very little style to this roster, but he is the greatest veteran in the entire playoffs. Kurt has the best role in all of the NBA. This despite playing for the Knicks in his earlier days and having no friends; now, he plays on great teams that contend. Kurt is on my least favorite playoff team the Spurs, but he is truly living the coolest life. All he has to do is wait for good teams to call him like the Suns last year and have a shot at the title every year. He plays great defense and doesn’t care about getting dunked on by our boy Amare.

Peja Stojakovic | Small Forward, New Orleans Hornets

Peja has super stroke. Peja is on one of the coolest teams and stole a spot on this roster over Tyson Chandler because that idiot put those dumb lines in his head. Tyson needs a new barber because those look awful, but he can catch a lob. Peja however has reemerged as the best shooter in the league and is hitting them from anywhere at anytime. I have witnessed him swish three balls fading away in the corner, amazing. Plus, Peja has an exquisite beard that is nicely trimmed and definitely European. Also, props on your perfect combover too Peja.

Kevin Ollie | Point Guard, Philadelphia 76ers

Although Kevin plays no minutes for the 76ers, he will play two minutes per game on this team letting Chris Paul play the other forty-six. No other point guard in all of the playoffs besides CP3 deserves to be on this roster, none that are decent anyways, so Kevin Ollie seems like an ideal choice. Actually maybe Sam “Alien” Cassell would fit, but we like Kevin because he doesn’t play at all, cheers on the youngsters on the 76ers from the bench with his nice mustache; 2008 is the Year of the Mustache, right Eric Byrnes? Kevin provides wisdom and humor because nobody ever thinks of him because he is super rando.