I Will Make This Blog Disappear

Because Justin finally hyped me in a blog entry it’s time for me to return the favor and hype him and also contribute to the blog because it has needed me so badly. I’m glad that Justin decided to invite me, but it was inevitable, because I rock ironic urban attire like G-Unit sneakers & Wu-Tang t-shirts and most if not all of my clothing/lifestyle choices are on point, from my awesome white 2001 Sebring convertible to my cool gelatin iPod case. Also Kael you rejected my friend request on Facebook which makes you an asshole and makes you the sixth man on the All-Uncool Team (AUT), which I am currently in the process of assembling. Kael is pretty much the James Posey of the AUT, which is a perfect segue into what I want to first address in this my first weblog entry.

The Celtics recently lost the coolest and most talented player in NBA history, James Posey, when he signed a 75-year $650 billion contract with the New Orleans Jenero Pargos. Everything that Posey did was on point, from the way he rocked his green NBA headband inside-out to the fact that 98% of his shots were 3-pointers, 97% of which went in. He also played lockdown defense on Kobe Bryant in the NBA Finals and was actually more valuable to the team than Paul Pierce and Ray Allen during some stretches of the postseason. And lastly of course the coolest thing ever was James’s green and white mouth-guard. Only the coolest NBA players wear mouth guards (LEBRON!!!!!!) and James was THE coolest NBA player so he wore one obs. Although he will be 65 when his contract runs out and it probably made sense for the Celtics not to overpay for his services, I am still sad that he had to leave. I can only hope that JR Giddens and Bill Walker’s knees can replace Posey’s production and coolness in the Celtics’ rotation, but I seriously doubt it. If the Celtics don’t defend their title next year it will be because Posey wasn’t there to hit elephantiasis of the testicles 3-pointers and play Bruce Bowen-esque defense and rock his cool mouth guard.

My four favorite things on earth are sports, Justin Timberlake, pizza, and Erin Andrews wearing make-up and a dress, so I’ve been searching for years to find a way to combine all of these things into one night, when I discovered that HOLY SHIT THE ESPYS WERE ON SUNDAY!!!!!!! I ordered a sweet pizza from Front Row, poured myself a pitcher of water, and sat down to watch what I was hoping would be the greatest thing of all time. Unfortunately it sucked more than anything on earth and I almost vomited my awesome pizza out of embarrassment because the writing was so bad and it was sad watching my main man JT trying to make the lame jokes funny. Although Erin was on point in her black dress and obviously the Celtics repped Titletown hard by winning the Oscar for “Best Team,” the whole thing sucked. Between the Giants winning every award—including “Best Picture,” “Best Album,” and “Best Kiss”—and Justin singing lame songs and making awkward jokes about stupid Brett Favre and Paul Pierce’s gang signs, the whole show was a colossal disappointment. Also, why do they record it on Tuesday and then air it on a Sunday? You would think that ESPN would be cooler/classier than a lame stunt like this. Overall, the show sucked, but I did enjoy my pizza from Front Row as well as Erin Andrews’s awkward sexual tension with JT during their interview.

Onto the AUT, which currently has two members: Kael and Stupid Brett Favre. I’m tired of hearing about Brett on ESPN and other news channels, and the fact that he did an interview on FOX NEWS (!?!?!?!?!??!?!) makes him an even bigger tool and currently makes him the MVP of the AUT, although Kael is giving him a run for his money (omg jk). I hate it when they have a “FAVRE” section of the Bottomline on ESPN and it says something like “Favre still considering coming out of retirement.” I wish Brett would just lay in the cut and write a reinstatement letter to Sheriff Roger Goodell instead of going on FOX NEWZ (!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?) and talking shit about a team that obviously doesn’t want him back because he’s old and lost them the NFC Championship Game and because they have Ryan Grant who ran for 6,000 yards in 4 games last season. Also Brett does those stupid Wrangler commercials where he’s throwing a football to his dog or some shit. I don’t really know because they’re dumb and he’s dumb and I wish he would just go away or stop doing interviews with second-rate cable news channels. Thanks Brett!!!!!!

If you saw “The Dark Knight” then you’re allowed to read this paragraph, and if you didn’t then you’re also allowed to read this paragraph but don’t get mad at me when I ruin the movie for you (I probably don’t have anything to worry about because I saw the movie with the only two people who read this blog so yay!!!!). I’m not going to beat around the bush: The Joker—fictional though he may be—is the coolest motherfucker on the planet. Everything about him exudes cool and is on-point, from his dope custom clothes that don’t have tags to his badass ways of killing people. I’ve never seen a cooler scene in a movie than the part in “The Dark Knight” when the Joker says he’ll make the pencil disappear and then pounds Big Boi’s dude’s head onto the table and HOLY SHIT THE PENCIL GOES INTO HIS HEAD AND KILLS HIM OMG OMG OMG!!!!! I pooped at that moment in the movie but obviously couldn’t leave the theater to change my pants because the movie was so awesome and I had to watch the whole thing. Also the Joker somehow never dies despite being railed in the head like 50 times throughout the movie, which only adds to his mystique and coolness.
Peace easy homiez. That’s what I’m burning on. Until then, I’m out.