All-Cool Euro 2008 Roster

I loved Euro 2008 and many other Americans did too. It was every bit as exciting as the 2006 World Cup, probably more so, and I am sad to see it go. I was so inspired I decided to create my own All-Cool Euro 2008 lineup even though I hardly know anything about soccer. I even decided to put my own naïve twist on soccer formations as I have the intriguing 2-4-1-3 line up. Of course there aren’t that many cool defenders and everyone loves the players that score, so I created a lineup that reflected that. Without further ado, here is my attempt to commentate on soccer.

Goalie (1):
Petr Cech (Czech Republic) - Normally a great keeper, however, Petr during Euro 2008 was quite atrocious. In the game versus Turkey, Petr has seven saves yet let the ball slip out of his hands on a Turkey cross leading to an easy goal. Turkey was the Comback Kids of the tournament with aid definitely from Petr, but we don’t care about that. The reason why Petr is on this team is because of his headgear. He looks ridiculous and ridiculously cool. If you were a goalie and were allowed to wear one ridiculous thing you would choose that. I forget why he is wearing it, but he is notorious for wearing it. It is something like he banged his head in the post, got kicked in the head, or took a shot to the head or something serious like that, but the reason isn’t that important. Casillas was the keeper of the tournament, but he can’t compete with Petr looking so fly in goal.

Defenders (2):
Sergio Ramos (Spain) - Definitely my favorite player of Euro 2008. I love everything about him, from his long hair don't care with the Nike thin headband to the tattoos that him and teammate El Nino rock on their forearms. He is a pretty good defender I guess too, the German offense particularly Podolski did nothing in the final game. Ramos is cool in that he is runs up and down the pitch trying to score goals too. I don't believe he had any in Euro 2008, but nonetheless he was by far the coolest defender and probably is the coolest in the world. He took off his jersey and put on a t-shirt with someone’s face on it for the celebration which was kind of weird, but whatever he has a hot girlfriend and he is pretty good-looking himself, nh.
Philip Lahm (Germany) - I really didn't like Germany that much, but Lahm was a very interesting player to follow. Andy Gray ripped on him during the later stages off the tournament for poor defending and he was undoubtedly responsible for getting beasted by Torres for the championship game's only goal. Germany had a lot of defensive errors in the game it seemed, trying to do offsides traps that once led to a wide open Ramos header that he couldn't finish past the weakest keeper of all time. Lahm sat out the entire second half of the final game even though they needed his offense. In the semi-final against Turkey, a great game except for the fact we didn't get to see two of the five goals, Lahm absolutely broke a Turkey midfielders ankles then dumped it off only to get it back and bury it in the net for the game winning goal. Sick move, terrible defender, but defnse doesn't make you cool, offense ad scoring goals does.

Midfielders (4):
Bastian Schweinsteiger (Germany) – Bastian Schweinsteiger became a favorite of SportsCenter anchors because of his sick name, but the duo he formed with Podolski providing great goals and his bleached Mohawk put him on this team. BS had two goals and two assists overall, but did the most damage in the big victory over Portugal where he had a goal and two assists. Here is a quote about BS, “He has been accused of allowing his arrogance to boil over at times, a glamour boy who likes to let those around him know about it.” Can’t fault him for that, who wouldn’t be cocky when they have a bleach blond Mohawk? His set pieces in the final game were pretty terrible and always too high, and his poor play hurt the German offense so much yo. The only reason he is on this team is because the goals he scored were tight, but really his hair sucks, he sucks, and he should keep up his late-night partying that German fans are so worried about.
Franck Ribery (France) – France disappointingly went 0-2-1 in Euro 2008, and Franck sprained his ankle in a loss to Italy. Franck established himself as a g in the World Cup and is the best player in all of France, and would have done damage in the tournament if his team wasn’t old and shitty or if less cool teams like Russia and Crotia made it so far. Franck’s scar is where it’s at and I can’t say anything else cool about him because he got hurt.
Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal) – Portugal unfortunately also got eliminated early and lost to Germany of all teams. The game was extremely thrilling, yet Cristiano was a little disappointing in the tournament. He provided great highlights in the Champions League Final, but only had one good game in Euro 2008 against the Petr Czech Republic. Cristiano is on this team for obvious reasons, as he is the best player in the world, maybe the most recognizable athlete in the world, and he is really really good at soccer. We love the things he can do on the pitch and all the photos all over the internet that try to make him appear gay. Whatever, Cristiano for sure doesn’t care and why should he when he sets trends with his hair and makes mad paper stacks.
Cesc Fábregas (Spain) – Fábregas of the Euro 2008 championship team Spain provided the assist in the final game and continually got the ball to Torres to allow El Nino to create offense for Spain. Who doesn’t love Spain’s counter attack abilities and they have many great midfielders with Xavi winning player of the tournament. Iniesta was really good to even though he refused to shoot with his left foot and instead would try to bring the ball back to his right and slow up the break, causing me to get very angry with him. Cesc Fábregas has a great name and is a great player as he had a goal and FOUR assists in the tournament. He looks like he could be on The Sopranos and is an excellent passer of the ball.

Forwards (1):
Ruud van Nistelrooy (Netherlands) Ruud, what a weird name for a dude! Ruud's sick Netherlands squad didn't make it very far in Euro 2008, but they definitely provided some great goals and dominated the early stages of the tourney. The absolute best goal of the the tournament was when Ruud saved the ball from going out of bounds by doing a spin move crazy shit then laid it off to his homeboy Robben creating a counter attack for an eventual van Piersie goal on a sick cross.

Strikers (3):
Fernando Torres (Spain) – El Nino was so disappointing in the games leading up to the final because he was so fucking cool and did great things just couldn’t score for some reason. The final game of Euro 2008 came and Torres is now a legend. He had a goal in an early game against Sweeden, but had 5 shots and no goals against Russia in the semi-finals. They won anyways luckily for Torres because he dominated Germany, with an unbelievable finish, shoving Lahm out of the way and then flipping it over the worst keeper in the game for the games only goal. Torres out-ran and out-hustled every German defender and created tons of opportunities for his team and it was fascinating to watch. He has great forearm tattoos and looks like something I can’t quite put my finger on, like a cross on some type of dog and a ginger kid or something. He has some long hair don’t care and made sure he fixed in up before receiving his medal. People would congratulate El Nino and he was like yo I got to fix my hair man I am going to be on television. Love Torres and will be a soccer legend in my book forever eva.
Lukas Podolski (Germany) – Lukas had three goals in Euro 2008 and has a cannon of a left foot. I liked him in the World Cup in 2006 and is one of the few likeable players on the German team in Euro 2008. He puts the ball in the net and puts up with Ballacks shit and Schweinsteiger’s hair. He made up for Klose who sucked in Euro 2008 and had a bunch of goals early in the tournament and assists in the later stages. He is normal looking and rocks some baggy soccer shorts, he looks fresh and plays fresh.
Colin Kazim-Richards (Turkey) Had to have at least one Turkey player on the team and Kazim Kazim had a fresh line up with a fresh part and was by far the coolest normal looking Turkey player. “The Lifeguard” Semih Senturk was pretty cool himself as he was the best Turkish player scoring three goals and bringing his team back a couple times. Kazim Kazim has a great name however, didn’t score any goals but rocketed one off the woodwork, barely made the team but played significant minutes and had a good game against Germany. Big up Kazim Kazim.