Trying to Rebound After Getting Dumped

WTF?! How much will he regret that tat when they get divorced? Having hundreds of channels on cable should go down as one of the greatest ideas ever. Without it, I would not be able to watch the NBA Summer League in Las Vegas and then change to MTV Jams and see the NEW LL COOL J song! That would have never happened to me in the 90s. If you guys didn’t know that LL still makes music and have an interest in what he could possibly contribute to the “art form” of rap music at this point, his song is featuring The-Dream, and I guarantee it’s easy to get drunk to.

I honestly think that’s the new business model for rap music: make your songs so bad that they make people just want to get fucked up. If I dropped out of school and just listened to rap music all day (especially the rap played on MTV Jams), I think I’d forget how to read within a week. With that said, Lil Wayne is tight and wears super bright red pants in his music videos. He also has probably killed over half his brain cells doing drugs and his flow is so sick it’s like his shit is dying. PS I think that an All-Cool Team of Rap is needed in the near future. I’ll see what I can do if J-Scrilla doesn’t beat me to it. PPS Buttahman on MTV Jams is honestly the ugliest human being on earth. It actually saddens me that MTV would try to get an ugly, un-entertaining person and try to dress him up fly and see if people like him. Doesn’t do it for me.

Ok, so that’s that shit like R.Kelly. Next topic for conversation: I need a new NBA team. Mine moved to Oklahoma City, and I need a new one to root for. I’m not going to touch on Mr. Bennett and David Stern and Oklahoma (who would want to live there over Seattle?! Durant is pissed). Anyways, Kev’s signature shoe was boo boo and Johan Petro is their starting center. But, as an avid NBA fan, who watches NBA Summer League games over the Home Run Derby, which Justin evidently enjoys, I need that “rebound team” after getting dumped by the Sonics. Many people think that all us Seattleites will just move on to Portland, because it’s so close to us. Couldn’t be less true. Portland is stacked with young talent and probably has the most people on their squad whose jerseys I would love to rock (Petteri Koponen is #1, naturally), plus they have players from Seattle on their team (Brandon Roy and Martell Webster)… but I just don’t think I can call them my new favorite team after rooting so passionately against them for my entire life.

I’m tempted to choose Memphis because they’re the most likely team to move to Seattle within the next 5 years, and OJ Mayo is flyer than Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice. But they’re poorly run and I refuse to choose a new favorite team that’s worse than my old one. So, after much thought, (random question: why is Barry Bonds in David Banner’s new music video?) my finalists are the Celtics and the Hornets. I almost threw Cleveland in there but Cleveland sucks and there’s no way Lebron would not change teams in two years. The business and advertising opportunities available in bigger markets/moving away from fucking Cleveland will end up being way too tempting. The Warriors lost Baron. The Clips lost Elton and Corey. The Heat suck and have Shawn Marion, who would rather lose than win, I’m convinced (even though D-Wade is one of my Fave Five players in the league and Beasely is cool and left-handed). The Raptors (Jermaine and Christopher Bosh?!) and the Wizards (crazy Gilbert and crazier DeShawn) are tight, but not in the echelon of the Celts and Hornets.

Not to be too bandwagon by picking the Celtics at this point, but they have tight players (no way?). Ray Ray has a sort of nice shot, plus he was in a sick Jordan commercial immediately after Game 6. Props. KG is intense and doesn’t sleep. Paul Pierce is the least cool of the big 3 in terms of likeability, but his game is amazing because it doesn’t seem like he should be able to score ever; he has limited athleticism and actually looks like he’s never lifted a weight ever cuz he has no definition in his arms. Then you have Leon Powe, who is the new Paul Millsap. You’ve got Brian Scalabrine, who was the least cool player ever until he got interviewed after they won and was clearly garbage faced. JR Giddens and William Walker are sick and Rondo is legit. Perk is pretty ugly, but Eddie House’s neck tattoo, jump shots, and son are sick. Pose is probably not coming back though, because analysts say that he will be signed by…

New Orleans! Two words: CHRIS PAUL! Add Peja’s comb over, Tyson being a bean stalk, Mo Pete being a tight lefty, and David West being super-talented and no longer under-rated after he shit on the Spurs. Stir in Byron Scott being a pretty tight head coach and Julian Wright doing cool athletic things in his 6 minutes per game… plus they play in the hometown of Weezy. Plus, CHRIS PAUL. Chris Paul is my favorite player in the league by far. He can do no wrong, no homo. His handle is wicked nice, he thoroughly enjoys throwing incredible lobs to Tyson, and he single-handedly makes his team one of the best in the West because he makes his teammates so much better. Plus, he’s going to tear shit up on the Olympic Team hopefully so we don’t lose to fucking like Macedonia or Scotland or any other country on this planet because last time I checked, we have all NBA players and no one else does (yet another topic up for discussion at a later point). Plus, he’s a legitimately good person. I have no personal evidence of this, but that’s what I hear.

So, the real question is, if the Celtics played the Hornets for the NBA championship, who would I root for? And the answer is: CHRIS PAUL! I hope New Orleans beats the shit out of Oklahoma City every fucking game for the rest of eternity, and that Chris Paul takes a huge shit and has quadruple doubles on their court. Also, I hope OKC fans root for N’awlins over their new team because the Hornets played there first. Fuck Oklahoma City. Go Chris Paul. Celtics, you’re cool but you already got your title. And you can have Justin as your fan. And you have Bill Simmons. And 17 championships. To Clay Bennett, thanks for dumping me with your shit-ass team (that has really tight young players). Good riddance. I’m sooooooooooooo over you. I have a new favorite team! Go Hornets!